The Burning Man theme is out and......I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!

"Evolution"


HOW GD COOL IS THAT???

I'm really excited. It's totally up my alley with all my interest in genetic mutations and dna and, fuck, just EVERYTHING I adore has to do with evolution. I wanna be in space, dancing with the cosmos and all the oddities it produces but...until we break the barriers that keep us from accepting one another...fuck...accepting OURSELVES...we will never get there and EVOLVE.

Now.....FINALLY... my stilted costume with 3 breasts and a big black cock strap on will be brought to burning man. FINALLY I CAN FINISH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WEEEEEEEEHEHEHEHEH!! YES!

So. Stoked.

and the true grind is on. I've lost the glow of the first few weeks, the euphoria of having made the right choice and being so fresh on the road of realization and empowerment. I'm in the muck, sticking in spots I often gave up the battle on before. It isn't easy dropping an addiction you've had your entire adult life. Of course, there was the 5yr break from smoking during my period of incarceration (marriage lol). One addiction for another, I suppose. One bad relationship that mutates only slightly.

Then there is WOW (world of warcraft) and my addiction, now, to that. It's more like a hobby addiction, though. I still manage to take care of my life, there may be a few things I don't do but I would have procrastinated them anyway so its all moot.

Because of the fact that you play with real people, the game is an annex of real life. I got a WOW boyfriend 2 days into the game and into my "glow period" and then realized that he was just as shitty as all the other men I date. Nice guy but with issues and NOT about me. I thought I could have a relationship in that "fantasy land" but it did a close second to me that the RL men do....got me excited, had me twirling around in the clouds, sent me for an emotional roller coaster ride, and so on.

Luckily for me, I met another guy who has become, interestingly, my friend. He's 18, gives me tips on the game, is uber sweet, and laughs at the whole "cyber sex" thing so he's not dangerous for me on a romantic level. We're certainly sweet on each other but it's not the kind that causes drama.

I took a HUGE step back from my WOW BF and he flipped out. He started stalking me in the game and messaging me incessantly when I needed to figure out my head. Of course I began to PMS at the same time and was getting really nervous about the smoking draw during the hormonal insanity period. I withdrew further. He freaked out more. Finally I told him that I just couldn't have ANY romantic relationship while trying to kick this addiction. None. Even Justin, the girl mage that is my new best friend in WOW, knows this and is supportive.

I have had TERRIBLE cravings. Insecurities are rising like a plague of locus on my psyche. I smoke pot every day to assuage it. I know, along with WoW, I will eventually have to drop the crutches but they do ease the suffering right now. I feel small and scared. I feel that I have never really been on my own, truly coped with life w/out smoking, and that I may not be able to figure out how to do it. I want to do those things that smoking stopped me from doing before but my trips into the BIG REAL WORLD are short. I am taking the triggers slowly. I am going to my first party this sunday and I WILL leave if I start to break and tell myself it's ok to smoke....juuuust one. No. No. No.

I hope a day will come where I feel stronger, where I'm not so afraid to hang out with people and get excited and have a drink, where I can dance and not think about it. I am sure that day will come. I know I'm impatient by nature and I worry too much. I'm also insecure. I want to smoke when I think about how I'm not as pretty as so and so, or not as fit, or not as rich or smart or cool or connected or talented. I want to smoke it all away so bad I've finally broken down and started crying about all the wounds inside me that the smoke covered. I don't even know where to begin with healing them so I'm sitting still and playing a game were I have two great people to talk to me for hours and hours. And, honestly, that's a LOT of what I do....sit and chat lol. Puppy is already up to level 62 and I've only made it to 36, ironically my current age :)

I will have pictures of my Yeti, soon. Justin bought it for me and it's so cute. I go EVERYWHERE with it and make jokes about it being my sex toy and, sometimes, I sit down and just look at it and smile at my laptop screen. I smile a lot at this little dude. And I'm doing mining and engineering as my "professions" for my character. I will take whole days just riding my horse over the countryside looking for minerals and then spend whole nights in "Iron Forge" (a main city) making stuff like explosive sheep and bombs. I then take the bombs and pretend I'm blowing up the bank and throw them at the vault with Justin. We buy snowballs and target random people and buy potions to make us big and walk around the social gathering areas putting our crotches in people faces cuz it's the right level. It's a LOT of fun. I also shop in the auction house for new upgrades to my armor that are hot.... like right now I'm wearing an outfit that looks like garters and a thick "v" g-string pantie set. I also have enchanted swords (thanks to my sugar daddy justin) that glow on each side of me. It's hot.

Anyway....off with me again!!! Much love to all. I miss you and will make moves toward catching up on YOUR lives soon. I just want to be selfish now. I NEED to be selfish for once, I think. I've always given SO much to everyone else and this time is for me, to get right within me those things that have been tweaking me and causing me to run to smoking. I will learn better coping methods so feel free to offer any up. I'm in the market.


((((((((((((((((((MUSHIE NUSHIE LOVE))))))))))))))))))))))))

I read once that habit forming takes an average of 3 weeks. If you start a work-out program and manage to make it those first three weeks then it becomes MUCH easier to keep going. There was some study and all my psychology peeps here probably know about it and can tell me how close I am in my remembering :)

Today is my 3 wk mark. The last several days have been REALLY hard. I am pms'ing and suffering from a total LACK of sex drive (wtf?) and my breasts hurt SO BAD and, every time I leave WOW (world of warcraft), I CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE. I think I am juuuust starting to bleed so I am almost over this hump. This was a big one. I've never made it past PMS, even if I make it two weeks. Yay!! I want to jump around and dance but the cravings are killing me so I'm waiting it out. I'm taking everything very slow and easy.

I look at WOW like it's my drug rehab/retreat. It has barely been keeping these cravings at bay but it is and that is all that matters.

I did have some stress out there with the dude I was cybering, my "wow bf". I kept chasing him around, waiting for him to get done w/w/e he was doing, and then spending time with him instead of playing the game and it started to wear me out. I'd try to ask him things about developing my character (he's a 70's warrior and I am also a warrior) and it took forever to get a response and then, when I did, it was the wrong answer. He didn't help me with leveling, never bought me better armor when he makes tons of wow money at his level and armor for me is cheeeeep at my level. Both him and Puppy are so high up that I can't play with them in their areas so I was getting lonely and looking for a pet and he was too busy to help. Also, when a character hits 30 they get a mount so it's MUCH easier to travel from place to place. Walking makes the game go WAY slower. Did he help me get to 30? No. He just wanted to cyber me on HIS time.

So...I met this other guy who is in a female characters body. We had a great time hanging out and I told him I had a wow bf and he was fine with it. He gives me a grip of money that first night and then starts doing all these nice things for me. He is 18 IRL and SEEMS to like being just my friend. I have a TON of fun with him as he really PLAYS with his character. We go into areas and get naked and mess with people and have sex parties in battleground arenas. Oh...AND he bought me the CUTEST pet to follow me around. I will have him screen shot it and I will post it in here. It is a "tranquil mechanical yeti". I LOVE it. I say it's my little "sex toy" because it's horns look like they could really hit the g-spot!! LOL

So....DRAMA:
The wow bf who didn't have much time for me before, now is suddenly all OVER me since I want to hang with my new friend the girl/boy. This guy won't stop messaging me and even AFTER I tell him I need space, am pms'ing and to please let me come back after I go through this. He is so obsessive! It's weird! He told me that I am the "ray of light" that makes his life better. I told him I can not BE the solution to his issues. I have my own. I go into wow to get AWAY from my head shit not ADD more w/his drama. He's got serious issues and I can't even have it in my WOW life. UGH! So now I have to find a way to break up with him and leave the guild (group) that he runs. So stupid of me to "get involved" when I'm working out a major addiction issue. DUMB!

But I love my new friend Justin SO MUCH. He has helped me develop my character and spent I don't know how much wow money on getting swords enchanted for me (they GLOW SO COOL) and gave me money for a mount and, every few levels I go up, I get really hot new armor. The shit I'm wearing now looks like bondage clothing and shows my ass CHEEKS!! It's hot. I'll take screen shots. Seriously...this kid is a LOT of fun. I am sitting here almost every night CRYING with laughter at some of the shit that we get into.

Ok, off with me. After PMS I'm sure I'll be more balanced feeling and can take the time to read back on everyone. Again, sorry I'm lost in WOW right now but I'm not smoking still so YAY!!! I know people may worry about the wow addiction but I'd rather have that right now than the cigs and it's giving me space in my head to deal with issues w/out smoking on a slow curve so I build strength for when I can't fuck of the RW any more. Heh. It seems to make good sense lol

KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Still holding strong, my peeps!! Yay!! It's TOUGH. My ex Nicotine is really causing a ruckus over this break-up, let me tell you.... I'm getting the 'ol: "You SAID you loved me!" and the, "We were a TEAM!" guilt trips. Sometimes it's just a deep sadness, an inner craving to have back what once was so sweet and lovely, what comforted me so sublimely...if only for a brief smokey moment.

According to the drug data, it takes 3 days for the physical w/draws to subside and 2 weeks to get the drug out of your system (give/take). Today, then, marks my first step into the world without Nic and a long road to healing from that destructive relationship. I'm sure there is damage to my lungs that will take years to repair :(

I am thankful for the support from everyone...people on the street, internet, friends, family and all the little support signs from the greater cosmos. I've been gifted moments that are SO much sweeter because I feel they are rewards for staying on this smokeless path.

I got offered a splif (sp?) the other day but thought it was a joint so I asked if it had tobacco in it and then turned it down. It was a powerful moment as was the first day I got to hang out with a friend I'd smoked with and didn't feel bad when she smoked (she asked and I wanted the test).

Logically I feel like this is THE BEST path for me but....emotionally? I feel like a total fuck-up. I feel lost and alone and tweeky and tired and scared and depressed. I feel it deep under the surface and, every time it tries to reach a sharp clawed hand toward me I run into WOW and hide. I find a forest or a desert and kill some monsters.

Talking of WOW:
I have slowed down the leveling. I'm at 25 right now which kinda sucks because, at level 30 I could get a "mount" which would allow me to waste less time running through the woods and more time practicing fighting. I'm really not that great of a gamer, I must admit. I spend way too much time going into the cities and talking to people and wandering around without objectives. I'm also having cyber sex with this really hot elf and will spend hours just sitting with him on some hill in the rain with a dragon in the distance or on a beach just enjoying the moment. In the game, the characters can move through each other so I'll sit IN him or move my body around his and it gets me high. It's loads of fun, I must say. And yesterday, all I did was practice "unarmed" combat which is fist fighting. It was SO cool to watch my character punching shit it's all I did all day, swinging the camera around so I could see her hit. Awesome. And I LOVE the flights. You can fly on various birds for a fee and, if you zoom the camera in, it feels like that ride at Disneyland called "California Adventure".

The only thing I'm having a problem with life-wise with WOW is my fish. I need to do water changes and Squirrel (blue crawfish) is starting to bail the tank just like Squirrel 1 did which led to its death in my sink. This morning I woke to find him on my FLOOR. So... I need a bigger, longer tank set up. I HAVE one but there is NO freakin' place to put it and I can't seem to find a solution. I hit a wall with my fish drama and I run into WOW. Not good. I wish I had more friends to talk to about this. They might have ideas.


I've been loving my beach in SF lately....it was so warm yesterday I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the sand. Felt. So. Good. The sunsets have been amazing, as well. Big golden rays punching holes in the clouds and hitting the water or, once, just ONE ray lighting up the Cliff House right at the entrance to the GG bridge & bay. Amazing. I feel very lucky.

Sorry to everyone that I haven't been reading or around... I'm really focused on me right now and getting this path cleared of debris and safe for travel w/out all the added aides & help. I'll get stronger and better at this but, for now, I'm hiding a lot. I don't want to fail this time.

I won't fail this time.

(((mad love)))

I know I'm a few hours short but this day marks my first week of not smoking. It is SO FUCKING GREAT. I'm doing it!!! I feel like I am learning to walk on water and I just got in one little brief step without sinking and got to taste what the journey will be like when I master my skill. I'm doing it, my peeps! I QUIT!

Orion calls me yesterday and invites me out and I tell him I have quit and may get urges and so I may have to leave. He said all I had to do was tell him and he'd slap me or something (haha). So I went out, hung out with some really killer people, had a GREAT time, and didn't break down. I've started to set up people to call when that day comes that I start short-circuiting and running in circles around the one belief that I MUST have a smoke to deal with w/e it is that is happening. Right now I have reduced my stressors to .08 but there will be a day where I freak out and having a smoke has been my coping method for so long... I'm scared of that day so I'm setting up the guards.

BRAD
Mr. Drunkard was not very happy with me turning him down on his offer give him bj's to help my hand/mouth issue from not having cigs. I TRIED to be nice in my tone but telling him I was turned off by his drinking PISSED him off. He called me a few hours later and left me a HILARIOUS message that took me a bit to figure out if it was serious. He said:

"hey..tit for tat on the drinking comment u made... u know all that cooking, back rubs, and perineum (bj part he loved) stuff you did? Well.... MAJOR turn off. Totally didn't do it for me. In your face." click.

ROFL. I mean... what??? I thought he was joking. He LOVED that shit and who wouldn't??? So.. then... He calls me the next day at 4:30AM and hangs up on my VM. I call him later and leave him a message that he's freaking me out with his behavior and I'm not sure if he's mad or not and that he gets mean when drinking and it's scaring me. He sends me a text: "won't happen again, sry". ARGH!! I DATED this guy!!!

As a result of this and needing to NOT go through any trauma w/men so I don't start smoking again I am giving myself 8mo w/out a romantic interest. The exception is WOW (grin).

WOW
I am now hanging out with this level 70 (highest level a player can reach in game) elf warrior named Bane. He's hot. I'm totally sweet on him in WOW land. He loves to play and destroy shit and it's SO sweet to watch because he's so skilled with his high level that his fighting looks like a movie with bursts and colors and wild looking weapons. He can do the neatest things with his character like RUN AND SHOOT, go SUPER fast up to shit and smack it down with his big blue axe, and turn into things like a little mini version of himself AND a skeleton.

He made me two rings and a necklace (blacksmithing skill?) and bought me a bunch of new armor that I get today because I had to hit level 20 to wear it. I'm so excited I can't sleep!!! LOL

Last night we ran through the woods together working on quests and there was a pirate ship to loot but we had to keep going up for air. At one pt. I came up and hung out in the water IN his crotch. I sat there and tripped on the fact that I would NEVER be able to give head underwater but I can in WOW. Hot.

Oh! I should show you a picture of him dancing for me. He grabs his belt when he dances and I make all these comments about how he's "grabbing his cock" and giggle. It's so. much. fun.




Isn't he so BIG next to me??? Running around last night with him I would just stand against his big chest and purr. He's hot. I can't wait until the day he takes off all his armor for me. ::rawr::

CAREER PATH
I've officially decided to go into teaching. I've researched it a bit and I'm now stuck. There is the one road to doing private school teaching and I love the montessori method because it integrates a lot of my own beliefs about teaching children and brain development. The other road is public schools and I like that there is ALWAYS a demand for teachers and I could live pretty much anywhere I wanted. Both require certification that is around 5k. If money WASN'T an issue, I would jump on the private and give it a whirl OR do both certificates and be able to work both sides. But... I really feel like it's important to make a SMART choice here so that I can have a job that will pay my bills and keep me fed (good idea? lol).

I have NO idea what to do. I feel like the "safe" route is to go with the public schools but I may get frustrated with the curriculum and the government bullshit. On the other hand, the private school may be a bit boring for me as you spend a LOT of time observing the kids and caring for them and I like to be right in the mix participating in the learning.

I'm also stuck on age range. I don't want to get bored with diapers or rudimentary language development but I don't want the attitude from the older kids. ugh!! I just want someone to say: "YOU! There! You are best suited for this school and these kids now go rock their worlds with your mad energy and creativity!" I was told that there are places that need teachers so bad they will employ you WHILE you get your credential and that would really be nice right now. I need a regular job but one that doesn't bore the fuck out of me and to be working WHILE I was going to school.... heaven.

Anyway... got lots to do today!

((((mega warrior love crushing you all))))

Today is the first day I'm without Puppy playing next to me while I bounce off the chemical crack. I'm doing pretty good. I still feel tweeky and ginchy but I'm riding it out. I'm taking steps carefully and with heavy calculation. If I begin to feel something stress me I look for a quick solution and dodge out of the way. I need to learn slowly how to deal with life without smoking for every problem, issue, etc.

Brad called me today. He's back to drinking and I just don't have it in me to give him any energy. I keep the lines between us open for two reasons: 1. he lives too close, 2. he's my only 420 connect. Also, he got laid off from his job so now he's around ALL the time and with the drinking....ew. Just: ew. So, today he says: "if you need to do anything with your hands/mouth...." and I HAD to tell him that I was just not turned on by the drinking. I said it didn't "do" anything for me, I got sore and never got anything in return, and no thanks. I REALLY wish I had said more about how he just lays there and lets me do all the work, eats all my food, AND THEN passes out for days in my space and leaves me to walk his dog and how ALL I get is a bud or two and GR GR GR!!! I am glad to be over him but I really need to pay more attention to WHO and WHAT my energy goes out to. I am a bit mad at myself for not seeing how messed up he was and taking MONTHS to figure it out. GR, again.

Talking of scorpios... Brendan hasn't called. It's typical that we go weeks or months w/out talking but this time I failed to stay detached so it bugs. I am not calling him, though. Forget these guys!! My "plan" is to not date for 8 months so that I can TRULY kick this habit. I was told once that people in AA programs are counseled to NOT get into a serious relationship the first year after being sober because it could relapse them. I think this is a good idea for A LOT of reasons so no more emotionally dangerous men for me.

Rambling!!! I am up to level 18 now and have picked up "engineering" as my profession. I love that I can do shit in WOW that I would never want, care, or be able to do IRL. My goal is to engineer a pet. He! I should change characters so I can have a non-mechanical pet but I like to be the "tank" and just go in and blast shit up. Oh, and that's another thing I get to learn... how to make BOMBS!!! This place cracks me up!! It's so cool that I can get out all my energy this way instead of in more personally destructive ways. The only thing I'm having a tough time with on the cross-over from WOW to RL is my dog... I need to figure out how to only play for 2hr increments so I can take her for the walks I USED to do when I smoked every two hours. *sigh* Poor puppy! Neglect as a result of WOW.

Have I mentioned how great it is to FINALLY be committed to the path of non-smoking and to have an activity that helps me stay on it??? So. Damn. Awesome.

I WILL do this.

xox
Nush

I have officially passed the 72 hour marker for not smoking. This is the first, and often, toughest period to get through and a lot of people use aides to ease the w/draws but that keeps the drug in your system. I want to be over the physical cravings as fast as possible so I can start working out the psychological ones as THOSE are the ones that always kill my resolve.

In the past I've used men to get me off the cigarette crack. I quit once for 5 yrs because I married a dude who didn't smoke. After I left him (8 yrs ago) I jumped right back on the 'ol smoking wagon and just couldn't find a way (or man) to get off of it. THIS time I've found the freakin' coolest game EVA.

WOW is my new crack. It's made the last few days BREEZE by. I've gone up levels (at 16 now), am picking up skills and excited to learn how to fight/play better, have joined a guild, and am having a blast. It's such a pretty world in there and it's, oddly, making me look at my own physical world in a different light.

When I walk Raven now I think of Puppy's pet "gir" in the game and she feels like that companion character to me. I scout the beach and hill for threats, quests, and so on. I look at the moon over the ocean and think of the beach in Darnassus and how that animated moon looked so much like my real moon (mine is, of course, better, but still). I know part of my "tripped out" state is due to the lack of nicotine but it's still an interesting sensation. My physical world has taken on a new level of sharpness & clarity that is coming through a game-world filter. It's so fun.

Last night, after I tripped into this guild ("DIVINE FURY" haha), one of the high level players messaged me and we grabbed Puppy and went and killed a bunch of shit and it was HELLA fun. He had all these special skills and guess what he was in RL???? A FUCKING SCORPIO. WTF???!!! Puppy is a scorpio... Brad is one.... BRENDAN is one as well. I don't get it. What am I NOT learning that keeps bringing these types into my reality??

Anyway.... I love this game. I've never really "gamed" before so it's a whole new learning curve for me. The hardest part is learning to use a mouse & keyboard to play/fight. It took me HOURS to master the camera part of it and I'm still running into walls on occasion and having difficulty positioning myself correctly for fights. I'm also SUPER slow when it comes to juggling all the features but nobody seems to mind. I think it helps that I'm a girl, too. I don't think that could ever really hurt LOL.

Ok... gotta get back in and I still have stuff to do before that so... ADIOS! ::blows kiss::

So today is the day I've been planning to quit smoking on for the last month or so. I had this "lucky" smoke from a guru-friend that passed away in Maui last year and I smoked it as my last so now I'm gearing up for the withdraws.

My plan? To crack out on WORLD OF WARCRAFT for the next three days. Puppy is a gamer and has totally gotten into this game over the last week and he kept BEGGING me to come out. I figured, if I got my character rollin' a bit and my chops up to par it would be a great distraction while I got the major kinks of this addiction out. Yesterday we did a marathon 12 hour session and my normal 8 smokes a day got magically reduced to 5. It's interesting to look at the clock at, say noon, and then, after a quest or two, look and see that it is 5pm!! The first day I played we were up at 2:30 am and I had to check my last call to see if the time had really gone that fast. No wonder people get lost in games.... time FLIES!

I'm still a bit mushy on Brendan. It sucks. I, again, hope this game will elevate this issue. I STILL can't figure out why THIS visit got me all sprung on him again but maybe, like the monsters in my game, it's always been lurking, waiting for the right moment to strike. Did I mention he's ANOTHER scorpio?? He was part of the reason I left LA... I just couldn't get my head clear with him near me and I did need the change.

Oh... and my characters name is: "Prys". Isn't that cool? Like the Pris in Bladerunner :) She's a human warrior and Puppy is a girl elf hunter thing and he's ALREADY got a BF who is some 19 yr old in Missouri. It's funny.

Gotta run!!

I just hit that lil post hyperlinko and here I am. It was a movement I thought little of so here's the brainwash of impulsiveness cummin' at ya....

Brendan is back. I wrote about it until I was fading into my pc last night and thought I'd just give the bare bones today. I met Brendan right after my first burn. Brandi (who I met AT my first burn, first day in center camp) took me to an event and there he was, transfixed by my conversation on genetic mutations inspired by the sperm in the icon above that I had painted on my face. I love sperm.

Bren and I dated for a few months and then things got weird with him, Brandi, my living space, and so we've kept in touch these last 3 yrs. I see him every time I go to LA and dance, sex, eat... whatever we have time for. He is the best dancer I've ever met. He's trained in capoeria and can do these moves... tricks like back flips that tickle me silly. He can MOVE, too. I've seen him cut a rug for hours. There's a saying about recognizing yourself in others and, when he dances, I remember why I love to dance.

When I flew into SF and got home Brendan was in town. He was leaving to drive back that night so he came over and saw my place. He loved it. I loved him in it. We have such great chemistry. I just like hanging out with him. We talk about great things, philosophical things, and lay against each other or do dance moves and massage each others bodies while we talk and, eventually, we play.

I like him too much right now. I'm struggling with the rejection of it. I told my friend Lexi last night that I have LOTS of anonymous sex so that I WON'T have to feel what I have been feeling since Brendan left me last night. ARGH. I keep rewinding the scenes and playing them in slow motion. When that gets milked, I go into my tags and look up all the entries I ever wrote about him and sip that down like a fine wine, inebriation already having occurred.

Something happened when he came over to my place. We always fool around at his house because I'm often without a suitable alternative (live-in nanny, live in SF). I want him to be mine. It's AWFUL. I feel myself falling in and I'm on my period so distractions are difficult to find. He is, actually, the ONLY male I have in my queue that has NO problem with period matter what-so-ever. It was a TREAT flying in with cramps in tow and having him in me. I never get that experience except with him and I love it. He even did a hip-opener move with my legs bent and pressed up towards my chest that felt delightfully naughty and highly clitorally wonderful. :: le purrrrrrrrrrr ::

See???!! I'm dick whipped. And not the way Puppy whips you with his trunk of a cock, no no. It the kind that is done from the dick from the inside and vibrates all the flesh folds inside of you for days on end.

FUCK. And, like I said, I can't replace this dick with another because I'm fucking BLEEDING. So what do I do? Sublimate. I'm currently multiple tab deep in research on Montessori schools and how to get the AMI certification in my area. I've even started formulating somewhat of a ... a.... PLAN.

Attachment is Asinine. As is my hormones. This is just a hormonal thing. My infactuation isn't real, or the part that isn't real is the future it's creating. My now has that wonderful experience to crack out on. Right? I WANT MORE BRENDAN CRACK.

I'm seriously jonzin'. It's bad. It is. I feel like a love-sick adolescent. Boo. :(

I'm back from Denver. It was a bit on the torturous side, I must admit. But, there's a happy ending (pun intended), so all's well that end's well!

Starting from now and jumping around... I'm currently stuck. There was a dinner with the family last night and my strange sister-in-law said something in response to an idea I've been chewing on and it jolted me quite like a cattle prod on low. See, I want to be a teacher. I have a "gift" with children (said without Ego present) and find that, without much parental control, I can rock their little developing worlds in positive, holistically growth oriented ways.

The stuck part of this? I need a credential to teach in public schools and the private schools require early education units from a public school AND experience and FUCK. I have tooled around the local campus listings for a bit until now. Since I'm not going to BM I can make typical school start-up dates (Aug. 25 approx.) BUTTTTTT where do I start?? Jump in for the early edu. units and then, foot in the door, go for the credential? Find an online program? Apply for the credential program and hope to get it all done even though the deadline is past (they always make exceptions for money)??? Where? It feels very overwhelming. I need to start with baby steps but the monster that is this endeavor looms above me with fangs dripping other victims blood.

I really need to do this because it keeps coming back to me. It keeps presenting itself in various ways and saying, "hi! here I am again! you can't hide from me!!" It's why I was a nanny. It was the easiest way to get into a [paid] teaching position with kids. Plus, there was a lot of freedom with certain parents and I got to really effect the lives of my charges. I still keep in touch with two families that I clicked with both intellectually and creatively.

I miss watching young minds blossom. I loved teaching those kids, sharing all my energy, knowledge, creativity....

So, shit. Here I am still. I came here to whine because I don't know who to ask for help. I want to get to what happened in Denver and on the VERY afternoon of my arrival but this has taken up too much room so I'll make another post in a bit on all that fun, juicy stuff. Plus it's sex stuff (of course) so it feels a bit odd to put it in my kiddie post LOL.

Here are the ideas I have for solving this problem:
=Visit the campus near me tomorrow and just start poking around
=keep poking around online but STAY OUT of the CL education postings or you'll get frustrated again and NEVER do this thing
=again, do online research but in chat groups/forums so you can talk to people about field
=call private schools and ask how to get in w/out credential (not req. in private schools) and w/only nanny exp.
=look into online early education classes
=maybe peek into doing a after school gig just to get feet wet but, AGAIN, don't get frustrated
=BREATHE: YOU CAN DO THIS

My Peeps.... ideas? soothing coos? love?

PS: it's REALLY great to be home :) oxox ~Nushi

sitting on the hill.

I sit and watch the ocean, listen to it, feel the air from it. Sometimes I turn and gaze into your window. I see the light, the window's almost always open and I want to jump into it, land on your floor and die.

I trace circles in the sand as I sit. There are iceplants all around me and the husky is busy. Mist from the fog sprinkles itself on my cheek and I wipe it off with the back of my hand and I kiss it like I want to kiss you... deep and probative, hard and desperate, soft and loving.

I watch the waves push up onto the sand in arcs of wet foam as I stand. My pelvis pivots around and toward where you sleep. I shudder in desire feeling unrequited love wet against my inner thigh. I want what I never had, this imperfect fantasy that I carry carefully.

I am against your fence. I lean into it, hold onto it digging my fingers into the wood and slipping my soul through it so that, for a simple second, it can find you and lay with you. I cover you with my want, with my need, with my yearning and squeeze. Splinters slide into me.

I walk past your green car every day from the other side of the street and think of you and what you do. Today I touched it. Tomorrow I'll place a foxtail on it. I miss making memories with you, forced to replay over and over those that are now beginning to fade.

Soon you'll be more cloud than rain and our train, the one we had a chance to catch, will be gone like me from your hill every night. I am turning into the desert slowly and you must find me...hydrate me... save me.

I'm waiting... right outside.



( Pine )

I got some really nice loving licks on my labia today. It was so hot I created a new fantasy tonight in the shower:

I am in Victorian times. There are petticoats and piled hair, big billowy sleeves and sexual repression. I'm married and need to create an heir so my husband takes "liberties" (gawd that makes me giggle!) with me. My dress and all its layers of fabric are spread around me, as if he unceremoniously threw me on the bed and got busy. I lay there disliking every thrust, feeling desperate for them to be over, and they keep going on and on. He moves my leg up, pushes down on my pelvis and holds me still while I squirm and whimper. He lasts so long and I'm panting and hoping for it to end, one hand holding tight to the covers and the other to my neck. It gets harder and harder and then I'm having an orgasm and I don't want THAT but I can do nothing but take it and then he finishes.

Hot. Oh. So. Hot.

I'm horny today. I want to grab big, beautiful muscles in my tiny hands and hold on until all the hormones have drained from me. I want to lick and bite and suck and be impaled by some sweet shaft on every corner of my bed, floor, and chair.

( This turned into a big ramble about Beer Brad and my head space and just, really, a long ramble that felt good to do but doesn't SAY a whole lot.... )

There's so much work I have to do. So many things I have to take care of. So much. It's overwhelming and I have a habit of pushing it all aside and sitting down, stubborn in my stagnancy.

Then, someone comes along and I see all the work they need to do so clearly. Why? Because it's always the same work *I* need to do. But, instead of doing it on myself, I take this project person and get busy. Naturally, I fail to fix, help, solve their issues and I get left in their defective dust now having to breathe in two sets of exhaust: mine and the effects of theirs.

It would be nice if someone saw me as fixable and scooped me up in their arms so I could have a safe space to repair. I need an anti-gravity pod to float inside while I replace my corrupted parts. I need companionship and community and, right now, I hang precariously on the fringe, looking out into that vast sea of connectedness but unable swim in it.

Every day I remind myself to be happy with me, where ever that may be. Focus on you. Help yourself. Take care of your body-vessel. Find things to do for you, to make you feel happy. Remember the here and now. Keep a hold of your reality and love it, regardless of what is happening in or around it. Cherish your time in this sphere, adore the experience of being human.

It works like a drug, soothing for a moment and then leaving, all the grand aspects of this glorious human experience clouding over with an ever pending storm. Everything good is fleeting. No matter how desperately I cling to it.... it always disappears, sometimes right in the middle of me loving it.

I've lost my blind faith. I find it harder and harder to trust, actually forgetting that I should trust. I will be ok. I am not ok.

I'm sad.

The process of my period is always a surprise. I do my very best to mitigate the damage but, sometimes, it blooms in ways I am beyond controlling. Something left festering inside my psyche reaches fully grown tentacles out and whips me with a vicious snap. Perhaps I even anticipate a potential problem area and dance steps around it, only to find it facing me, clown smile glowing.

Each month I mark the day it starts, here, on me lil l j. Mid to late in the cycle I start counting, especially if I hit a trigger, have an issue, or am feeling odd (emotionally, physically, etc). Within a few days of the "big event" I know a serious, internal freak-out will occur. I close the windows, lock them with wooden slats, put a leather collar on the wolf, stop using the BMW (road pms), and peek furtively out of hoodie or door with my face hidden.

When this meltdown happens I grasp out in desperation, hoping a helping hand will find mine. Typically, I hold my boiling innards for a long time, screaming at the sea, spinning inside my studio, beating on my body, and simply staring, dazed, at what I see. This month I made it all the way to THE very day (today! yay!) before I reached out said it. First I came here, to L-J Land and got as far as this:

See, I have moments where I'm feeling like

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't admit it so I slept on it. I got up and cried while I wrote this to my best friend:

i feel so fucking lost. i haven't gotten my period and i'm losing it. i keep trying to stop THINKING but wake up and it's all back....all the fear, the sadness, the loneliness, the isolation, the shit. so much shit.

This period took me in, way too far in than I think I've ever gone. It had me looking at the darkest, ugliest, most pitiful things about myself and my life. I saw things that, still, have me screaming and running. Things that diminish me, weaken me, project upon me light that kills and does heal. These visions of myself are, by far, the darkest I can remember because, underlying them is belief.

Even now, as I fade out, my pain drenching my energy, putting out all my fire, I work on a solution or, rather, a plan.

This plan involves only me and learning to love that me, regardless of any outside influence. I need to, all alone, love me, accept me, value me, cherish me, enjoy me, pamper me, and live FOR me.

This is how I am going to become happy [er].

( Scorpio Story )

Where to begin? Things have been busy in my head lately. Lot's of reflection, looking at things, looking at ME, getting quiet, getting some things done and letting others go, and just settling down with my thoughts in an attempt to find peace.

There's a lot to talk about but, for now, I will document my smoking trip of late:


Puppy found me a great quit smoking site called: "Become an EX". I've been dragging my heals on getting back on the smoke-free horse because I fail every time. I keep THINKING I'm doing something different or WILL and, after a few triggers are hit, I'm puffing away.

Change sometimes comes quick and hard on the surface but it often works slow and tediously on the areas below. Isn't it the foundation that matters most?

So, NOW, I'm doing something different: I'm taking the arduous steps towards change, one little itty bitty baby lurch at a time.

I write down every smoke I have starting with the time I started it and ending with the reason I choose to have it.

Within a few days (started on the 4th..irony!) I noticed that I would look at the time I last smoked and decide it wasn't time yet. I'd just had one, or the two hours before I started feeling the lack of chemical wasn't up so I HAD to be smoking unnecessarily which annoyed me and drove me to doing something else and waiting for the time to come when I NEEDED it. I used to smoke within 5 minutes of getting up and now I wait, take the walk with Raven & finish it, make some coffee, and find that I made it 30-60 minutes without that first smoke. I've also gone on walks and done activities I would have smoked during but couldn't due to above 2hr time limit b4 w/draws. I just choose to wait until that time is up. Like, right now, I feel the "urge" to smoke because I'm writing and thinking and want to sit with it all and chill but 12:25 was my last one and I still have a MINIMUM of 15 minutes left. I try to stretch the 2hr time as well and go for longer between. Also, I've noticed that I smoke 8 cigarettes per day and will choose not to smoke if that means I will exceed that limit for the day.

It's really a cool exercise reformatting my brain like this. It's really the only way I think I can beat this thing on my own. I think that the more I am able to modify my behavior by a process of habit RE-formation, a dedication TO the goal, and brainwashing that the easier it will be to finally stay clear on NOT smoking. I need to break it, not just detach from it until something happens. I always keep it as my "pacifier" and I need better methods of coping with stress and anxiety.

It's funny, too, as I begin to reach less for the smoke when I stress, I find that some very interesting thoughts go through my head. It feels like I'm starting a trip back to myself and the things I forgot, lost, or needed to learn. I keep reminding myself to breathe out my anxiety and it feels good.

To start.

I'm staying. It seems that, nearly every attempt I make to leave my home, something keeps me from doing it. I'm talking Big Things, like trips and events, not everyday jaunts. Naturally, I fought it for a while but now I've come to a peaceful place of acceptance. There is work to be done at home, Intuition tells me. Clean your floors and prepare for the winter, it pontificates on.

Notice the time-stamp? This girl got LAID this morning so she's zoomin' down that slope on her belly attempting to maintain a stable equilibrium.

Lessons*** in non attachment ALL NIGHT. It rocked.

Brad, the sex stud, came over for dinner and ended up staying the night. I have made seriously conscious choices to kick him out after visits. I don't stay long at his place (leaving my dog at home to guarantee rapid return) and set time limits when he's at my place. Last night, however, the thought of his oh-so-sexy man body sleeping next to me was too much to resist. It was bliss.

There's a guilty pleasure I indulge in some nights. I pretend he's next to me. I'll lay still and imagine his body on the other side of the bed, letting my mind trace his muscles, his smell, his energy beside me. It's comforting, like a child cuddling with a blanket as a surrogate breast/mom.

So, last night, when he began to rise to leave and decided against it, I encouraged the sleep-over. I kept my expectations low, letting him have his side and not smothering him in desperation to grasp my guilty fantasy-turned-reality. And, all night, he'd shift into me, hold me, grab my hand, and cuddle up against me. So. Sweet.

And when he left this morning I, like mentioned previously, walked up the hill overlooking the ocean and let the moments fly free. like butterflies. An understanding washed over me.....

Stay with me....

I have a friend I tell quite a bit things like this:"you must NOT get wrapped up in ANY guy until you know it's safe to expose yourself" and "date to get to KNOW them but don't get wrapped up in them until THEY are banging down your door", ect. I see, reflected in her, my own impulsiveness with my emotions. It almost always ends up hurting me because don't THINK about who is being trusted with my heart.

She says to me: "But... I want to FEEL the emotions! It's no fun to act like that. It doesn't work. It is pointless, then, if I don't get to FEEL it and, in order to do that, I have to CARE."

Now.... this is the VERY thing I would say/think. How can I enjoy a person without getting all wrapped up in them? How does one NOT feel for a person and yet STILL have a full experience for/of them?

This morning I figured it out. You CAN have a wonderful, meaningful, high, enlightening, exciting time with ANY person and then keep moving, without getting stuck on that PAST experience but still maintaining it's integrity and beauty by being thankful just to have had it, regardless of outcome/meaning/significance.

The moment ALL ON ITS OWN is what is key. From that space you can enjoy it, pull it out to view again, and put it back without feeling it needs improvement in some way (aka-recreating, LT expectations/hopes, etc). The moment has no claws grabbing you and pulling on you because it's accepted just the way it is.

GAWD. This is TOUGH to convey! No wonder it took me a while to "get it".

But....

***I'm still a student


"Before Zen, laundry. After Zen, laundry." (isn't that how it goes? love it!)

You know you've completely cut yourself off from most normal, everyday things when you are shocked to see the month change. Like, wasn't it just the 20th? 26th? Just a few moments ago??

The process of pulling back from all contact with the outside world is odd. You begin to wonder, when silence has seeped into a few more cracks inside your psyche, if there IS a world out there anymore. Can I hear it? Does it see me?

Last night I had three things happen to me. By the end I was out, quite literally.

First, Brad comes over but I've got a dinner date at a french place (3/5 stars but I had STEAK! FINALLY. Now. Want. More!) so I kicked him out. He had his sweet puppy face on and I let him peal my clothes off but wouldn't let him do more than pull his penis out of his sweat pants. I looked down at it, wet red eye crying for my kisses, and told him how sweet his cum had tasted last time. Oh it was yummy and I DO NOT touch cum. That's my one limit: NO MAN JUICE. Except for Brad. I could drain his scrotum a hundred times over and not spit once. It's that tasty. The boy has some mad love juice. He's my new poster boy.

Then, I ate dinner, drank some wine, looked smokin' hot, and thought of Brad's penis poking out at me and how I could've had cock instead of bull. But it was GOOD to push him out the door. It was GOOD to make him go away ONCE. He is a magnet.

And to prove it, the last thing I did before I went to bed is go over and smoke with Brad. I called him when I got home and zipped over to watch him do his Mad Scientist stuff with leaves and crystals and crazy stuff! Crazy! I got SO FUCKING STONED I barely made it the block home. I collapsed in bed and went into some strange trance. I was perfectly awake but yet couldn't easily move my body. It was a mixture of torture and bliss. To be forced to lay, awake in one place and not move.... it brought up some very dark thoughts.

When I finally managed to move, three hours had passed and I could, finally, get up and pee and trip outside to let the wolf stretch her legs. I got back and resumed the prone position until another hour had passed. My thoughts went from horrific views of myself through societies eyes/lens, judgments and inadequacies, and dismantled my entire life/reality straight into flight mode.

Except.... I was still immobile, my feet freezing, no energy to even arrange the blankets so they weren't in half-separated clumps, and my head loaded with snakes that moved when it did. So I saved myself by thinking up a terribly deviant sex fantasy and replaying it until it got me so worked up I straddled a rubber cock with my rectum and came until I was screaming and shaking.

4:40 am, 6 hours after the smoke-fest and I've surrendered to sleeplessness. Oddly, when recounting the time today at Trouble Coffee with Puppy, HE said he got UP at that time (4:40) and couldn't get back to sleep. Odd. Does someone smell a conspiracy?

Talking of which....

I'm sure my sickness was (it seems mysteriously gone....maybe it was the TOM YUM!! xxrickie) a ploy to keep me home-bound. Last time I took a trip to LA I got a $300 speeding ticket I'm fighting for fun (futility, maybe?) ON TOP of trip expenses. I needed that trip then but now....my body needs no trips for a while. I feel like I need to take this road in, all the way to the station Cowboy. Stop chasing my tail and start sitting still.

What will happen? Will I start reading again? Writing (this doesn't count)? Snapping shots? Posing? Sewing? Cooking? How long before what inspired me comes back to me new and shiny, ready to play again? How? Where? When?

Can I deconstruct my reality into nothing? Or close? If I was to strip (mmm yum) away everything but the bare necessities (dog, shelter, dick..these cum in handy LOL) what would surface? What would I think? Who would I be?

If nothing matters then mattering will mean nothing. And there, is where I want to be.

Total non-attachment. Have the moment and then, like a butterfly, it fly's away from me.

See.

I'm in a state. Low NRG. I've got some kind of lingering head cold thing that I can't seem to shake. It started with my inner ear and made me dizzy in certain positions and, now, it's just stuck in my frontal lobe and dripping down into my nose with excruciating slowness. It doesn't seem to move much and so I'm trying spicy foods and tea and flushing and all that. I hate taking meds over-the-counter and would rather let my body heal naturally so maybe I'm providing the proverbial nails to my own coffin? Dunno.

It's been going on for two weeks. I didn't work all last week and probably won't this week. I feel unmotivated to do anything short of watching T.V. and walking my dog. I'm in a hating mood. I feel lonely and isolated but can't even get out of the house for food and water, much less to socialize.

There is a big gathering of friends in the mountains outside of LA this next weekend and it looks like I'll be in no condition to go. I need to FEEL healthy in order to socialize and, right now, I just want to lick my wounds in the dark. I don't remember any sickness tapping me out so bad with so few symptoms and it freaks me out. Mostly because of the energy issue. I could go hang out with Puppy today because he's invited me to hang (rare!) and seems social (more rare!) but, after coffee with him, I ran home and hid. He called and I put him off. I may still go but.... *cue heavy sigh*

There's also a warm, good vibe pride event in the streets of the castro tonight and I wanted to build a costume for it but, after GETTING the fabric, spreading out my supplies, and trashing my place with it I froze. It took everything I had to just do THAT and now I sit looking at it knowing I won't get to the costume or even close to the event.

This feels so much like whining. I am. I'm just NEVER like this. Things hit me and leave in this amount of time and it's STILL here. I keep TRYING to relax and just heal myself but it just KEEPS lingering. I get no movement no matter how much I eat, drink, and sleep.

Once, I had everything I've ever owned packed to the gills in an 8X10 storage unit. After paying the fee on it for 8 months I took it all out and sold/gave away everything I could. I wanted to be free. This sickness feels like a forced form of that. I am giving up everything that matters to me, calling it invalid/useless, and living as basic as I can. I've stopped caring beyond the bursts of anger over friends who don't call and lovers who don't care to call. After those pass I'm done feeling anything else besides the odd sickness sucking the life out of my body.

I'm not depressed, I'm dead. There's a difference.

carlin. dead. fuck. i saw him once in vegas and it was great, so damn great. i thought i'd do it again, ya no? why is it that i always seem to think there will be time? there's never enough time...